The Top 3 Things She is Always Watching You For

Remember the Monster’s Inc. character, Roz, when she slowly grumbles, “Always watching” at the end of the movie with her pointed eyeglasses sitting intimidatingly on the bridge of her nose?  Yeah, well, this is the same with kids.  They are always watching. 

How many sitcoms have played off kids repeating the words adults say around them and get in trouble for it or, even closer to home, how many times have you gotten frustrated at your kids for having a reaction to something only to realize you had that same off the rails reaction yesterday.  Or, how about the quintessential anti-drug commercial in the 80’s where the dad found marijuana in his son’s room and while interrogating him the son blurts out, “I learned it from watching you, alright!  I learned it from watching you!”.   

They are always watching us.  Why? Because, especially at first, we are their connection to everything in this world.  We are their parent, teacher, guide, entertainment, security, navigator and mentor for better or for worse.  But what are the top 3 areas that kids and adolescents are paying the closest attention to?  …Because you know it isn’t how you fold towels, clean dishes, do the finances or take the dog on a walk.

They mostly pay attention to the roles you play, the reactions you have and the refinement you undertake to become.  Let’s break them down.

Roles:

Are you the father, mother, teacher, grandparent, coach, youth leader, pastor, group leader etc.?  How you conduct your role will define for them what that role looks like.  The more teachers or coaches they have, the more this definition will become a melting pot of strict, fun, kind, rude, pompous etc.  But, it doesn’t stop the fact that you will undoubtedly alter her definition and her scope of understanding of what that role looks like. 

This is why so many people that had difficult fathers growing up often have a harder time with God the father.  The role was defined, and it wasn’t defined in a good light.

The brain is a wildly complex structure that we will never be able to fully grasp the creation and workings of, but it is also simple in the aspect of cause and effect, ie. connection. 

Ex. When you are a _(insert role here)_  then you do   (this) .  This follows the same concept of defining a color.  This thing I see and perceive is called blue.  This one is called red, etc.  It is all about defining.

What does this mean for you?

It means that whatever your impact and influence role in a child’s life, make sure you are stewarding it well.  You are upholding dignity, respect and due diligence in this role. You want to define it well, so when and if she is in a position to be in that role she will have a good solid illustration to fall back on.

Reaction:

This one is a challenge because the sheer nature of a reaction is that it is instinctual and not always well thought out, but the good news is that we can train ourselves (and inadvertently the child you lead) to think before you act.

I am a nerd and love to watch MasterClass.  I have been through several now and especially love the ones about leadership, mindset and diplomacy.  (Anyone who has worked with teenagers knows that it requires courageous conversations and can sometimes feel like you are speaking to foreign nationals and the fate of the world is at stake).  But, what I am learning over and over by these people who are previous presidents, secretaries of state, authors, doctors and professionals is that they are just that… people.  They have the knee jerk responses we all do, but they learned how to discipline their emotions to direct their actions and lead. 

If you loose your cool in an emergency, she will also learn that.  If you react in anger, so will she.  If you react in a, what I heard someone the other day say, “sassy britches” tone, she will learn that too.  But, if you are calm, kind, decisive, respectful, discerning and intentional she can learn that too. 

This doesn’t mean that parenting and leading is a game of copy cat.  Not by far, but she has a significantly better chance at doing the right thing when it is demonstrated to her on a consistent bases.

Refinement:

If we all stayed the people we were at 5, 10, 15, 25 or even 35 what would be the point?  We are always given opportunities to refine, grow and become who we are in the next chapter.  She will watch you refine, or choose not to, and watch how you do it.

Are you having quiet time, reading the Bible, journaling, watching and taking in books, podcasts, movies and shows that challenge you to think and grow, learn and apply?  Are you trying new things, exploring interests, using your gifts and talents to bring joy to yourself and others, stewarding your money, time and relationships? How do you see the world and are you moving forward or staying stuck?

This all comes down to growth vs. fixed mindset.  Which do you have? Which are you passing along to her?

Of all the things she will watch you do, the roles you play, the reactions you have and the refinement you undertake to become who you become will influence and shape her the most.  No matter if you have a primary role in her life like a parent or close family member or a smaller role of any degree, it all matters.  Stay aware of these things and remember that it isn’t just what you do in front of her, it is who you are as a person of impact in her life. 

If you would like to explore these 3 biggest areas of impact for the young women you lead please don’t hesitate to reach out to [email protected] and we can set up a quick time to talk through these together and find the next best steps for you!