How to Put the Magnitude of Motherhood into Words During this Season
Maybe it's just me, but probably not.
This one is vulnerable friends and written to the women out there, but also for the men. I am ushering it out the publishing door and into the great big world with my heart on my sleeves. But maybe, just maybe, you will relate, understand and even be able to communicate even just a little better next time because of what I am about to share. If that’s true, I write this for you.
As a wife, a mom of four adolescent girls, a youth leader, a family coach, a CEO of a dynamic and large household and as the many other things that make me ME, I can get overwhelmed. Shocking, I know (she says with sarcasm to herself). Never mind the fact that I am also in my mid-forties and my hormones are playing games unseen since I was 13 and had about 5% of the responsibilities I now carry.
I know you relate because I talk with so many of you moms, dads and even you secondary leaders like coaches and teachers, youth leaders and extended family members all the time. Overwhelm in our lives seems to have become as expected as the sun rising every day.
I was chatting with some other mommas recently and they all, interestingly, agreed that the 40’s have been/were the hardest of the journey as a mom (But, hey… Don’t lose heart. I hear the 50’s are great!). That is not to say there hasn’t been great moments and even great seasons, but the transitions that often happen in this decade, for mom and child alike, are often hard to be in and navigate and I find myself trying to just keep it all together.
Have you ever experienced a past version of yourself bringing wisdom into the now version? This has happened to me more than a few times and this week was one of those times. One afternoon when I was working on a talk, I realized that as many times as I have taught this one thing, I was the one that needed to hear it right then. A couple of weeks ago I even wrote all about this , but there is a big difference between teaching and applying (yes, even if I have applied it before in one area of my life I needed to be receptive to it again in its new role).
What am I talking about?
Security.
Security is the base of growth and development for everything whether that is relationships, maturity, faith, knowledge or life. I could drop 10 research articles right here on it in a heart beat. The environment needs to be safe and secure or there will be minimal to no growth, but certainly no flourishing. Nature and nurture prove this every single day.
There is an art piece in the Sacramento airport with all these pieces of luggage in the baggage claim area. Have you seen it? I actually have a picture of me “holding this up” with a precarious look on my face from the pre-pandemic days, but alas … I cannot find it.
I was brain purging during my quiet time earlier and I just kept writing things and praying about things and asking for stability. My outside life doesn't seem nearly as unstable as it feels in my head with all the “what if’s”, contingencies and backup plans to the back up plans. Sometimes it is like a mega coaster roaring between my ears but looks like a quaint merry go round to anyone else on the outside. Does that happen with you? (But, let’s be honest, sometimes the inside and outside are the equivalent of the front seat of the death drop- twister- loop-hurler coaster too, which is why we practice emergency mode to be ready).
Later in the day, somewhere between the 700 and 800 block of sit-ups (my 2025 challenge for 1000 sit-ups a day is still going strong in case you were wondering), an image similar to the Sacramento airport luggage tower popped into my head.
You see, I feel like I have been given this ever-growing pile of precious, wobbly, fragile things and told to keep it safe, guard it and not let anything fall. I have worn away a path all around this pile as I do sprint rounds time and time and time again. It feels like a million laps a day to fix, maneuver and fortify it all to make sure it doesn’t fall. Picture a jack and the bean stalk sized Jenga about 15 rounds in with structures standing out every which way. It. Is. Exhausting.
Did you know that the opposite of security is not insecurity? It is threat and danger.
I don’t feel safe because I am always in emergency mode to make sure myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, my youth, my work, my house, my finances, my relationships, the relationships of those I care about are alllllllll ok and nothing falls!
This is why I can’t have drama after a certain time at night because I am trying to slow down my fast and furious paces and if I start again, I will not be able to rest or sleep, which is essential (remember mid-forties here!).
This is why I am so sensitive to my husband, or anyone, bringing negativity or drama to the girls at night because everything is secure, tethered down and ok for the moment. Don’t rock the boat!!!!! Let people go into the night with peace before I have to go and fix something else pleeeaaase!
This is why I can’t take another earth quake announcement, revelation or national/global [fill in the blank] that makes everything teeter and possibly fall.
This is why when my husband looks at me at says, “Oh yeah, I gotta tell you”, I cut him off with a dropped face and a “What?” falls out of my mouth with the “thud” of an anvil.
This is why when we are on a vacation, I need to make sure everyone is ok, joy filled, settled. I don’t care about me. I am just the checker, the fixer, the adjuster, the organizer, the runner, the peacemaker. I am the caboose to make sure everything is ok.
This is why I find myself, especially lately, drowning my nerves in dopamine saturated baths of shorts and reels about sermons, Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, and wedding dresses (not even sure how these last 3 began, but with one click the algorithm doors to the rabbit hole dropped open and there I went). It is the unhealthy elixir that slows my feet and defers my gaze up at the teetering tower.
I heard a video on Instagram yesterday (by a man by the way) that said,
“A woman’s brain cannot relax until she feels physically and emotionally safe. What men don’t understand is how much energy women expend checking that they [and all others in their world] are safe. So, providing an environment where she can turn that part of her brain off let’s her truly settle into being herself. Listen to that again.”
I have dealt with security issues in so many deep and personal areas of my life that I didn’t even think about it in this sense. The keeping everything going sense. I mean, have you read Proverbs 31? That is one busy woman who keeps it all together for herself and those she loves and stewards! It is our job! But, admittedly there was something I missed...
When I was listing all the things in my giant Jenga pile earlier I assigned the belongingness to me.
"I don’t feel safe because I am always in emergency mode to make sure myself, my kids, my husband, my friends, my youth, my work, my house, my finances, my relationships, the relationships of those I care about are alllllllll ok and nothing falls!”
But, they are not mine, are they? Even me. I am not mine. I am His. Those people are His. Those relationships are His. My job is to love well. Love Him above all else and love others as I love myself and if I am not loving myself well, then I cannot love others well.
Bear all things, believe all things, hope all things and endure all things.
This human experience is messy, hard, exhilarating, awe inspiring and, quite literally, everything. It is everything all together. I just need to remember that though God has appointed me in this position, it is ultimately Him to holds it all together. I am merely the caretaker of His work. A caretaker’s job is big, don’t get me wrong, but they are not the owner.
I, and those close to me, need to know that it is in my nature to manage and steward while doing all the things and not be upset when my feet instinctually fall into the rut around this tower of responsibilities I have tread in for so long with heart racing and emergency mode activated. I don’t even remember what true, non-emergency mode is like. Maybe that comes in my 50’s too.
In this season I am giving more support, safe space and security to those around me than ever before, which means I am depleted of them myself and though my needs are first sought after and filled by the Lord, even God knew humans needed other humans to be good in this world.
If you seem to be living in a personal emergency mode while taking care of your own tower, I get it sister. I see you. Let’s take a break from our wobbly piles together and when we try and run back, which we definitely will, we can just give a kind reminder to love well, be there for one another and understand that ultimately, God’s got this.
