How to Talk to Someone Who Will Not See Truth Right Now
How to Talk to Someone Who Will Not See Truth Right Now
In the world there are as many variations of truth as there are perspectives it seems. I was told once that there are always 3 truths at play when it comes to perspective and human relations.
- Theirs
- Yours
- The non-emotional 3rd party truth
This is one of the many reasons why I am so glad that I have a firm foundation in the ultimate truth in my life (John 14:6). I floundered for 35 years on this planet trying to define and decipher my own truth and it was complicated, messy, perplexing and always changing. But when I opened the door to Christ in 2012 I found the one unchanging, always safe, always true savior I could and can hold onto.
But, when the youth we lead are still in this learning process, or, have slipped away from knowing this due to under construction brains, distracting life situations or anything else in the turbulent adolescent life gauntlet, we need to be able to reach them still.
“How can I reach her when she won’t listen?” is a question that comes at me a lot, so let’s dive into a simple 3 step formula that stems from the 5 C’s of Communication I have written about before: Calm, Connect, Curious, Cultivate and Clarity.
No matter if this is your daughter, your youth or school student, your athlete etc., this is a tried and proven way to bridge communication blocks.
- Provide a safe space to lower the mask… just listen. Her truth may not be THE truth, but it is all she knows right now. Her brain will work hard to convince her it is the only way and conflict is like sticky cement keeping her feet firmly planted. Her brain loves black and white clarity, especially in the developmental years before the frontal lobe can just sit in the gray area of wonder or seeing the abstract of other perspectives.
Many times I have found that if they just start talking and explaining their position they realize on their own the frailty of it. Just listen, see where they are coming from and stay calm.
- Ask permission to speak into this situation. “Thank you for explaining this to me. May I share now?”. I say this as long as time permits itself to the question. If time is not on your side and a change needs to happen immediately, let her know you are going to speak into this matter and lead her gently. It is very important that you still stay calm because chances are that she is in an emotionally volatile place right now already and she needs your steadiness at the helm of this interaction. Speak with kindness and compassion and ask lots of questions as they come.
Avoid things like, “How could you?”, “What were you thinking?”, and “I can’t believe you!”. These types of comments and questions attack her character instead of examining and challenging the pathway that led up to her action/decision.
- Discuss or tell her what next steps are and be willing, when possible, to negotiate. So often adults like to engage in power struggles. We come by it honestly because most of our parents did that with us. “My way or the highway” and “because I said so” were the cornerstones for so many late 20th century parents. I am not saying that parents and leaders take a back seat in any way, in fact I think we need to take a very intentional front seat, but we have to show them what we are doing and why so they can learn how to drive their own lives. That is, after all, what this whole adolescent training zone is for. Clarity does not always have to be a power struggle. It is so tempting for exhausted parents. I get it! I do have 4 daughters remember. ļ Do your best.
There will be hundreds of times while leading her that your perspective will not meet up with hers because she is growing and discovering this world for the first time with great challenges and obstacles ahead, plus you are different people living different lives. If she is not in a place where conversation roadblocks have gotten in the way, just take these simple 3 steps and see how you can go from misunderstanding and frustration to comprehension and common ground.
