You Have To Look Up!
Six years ago we went to Arizona on a business and family trip. We toured Sedona, which to this day is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places I have ever been, and hiked the Grand Canyon rim along with hundreds of other people from every corner of the globe.
I am not sure what area of the Grand Canyon we were on, but it was an area with NO guardrails and signs littered the winding paths about deaths and injuries that had occurred several times in several places.
I had a then 13 year old, two 10 year olds and an 8 year old all in various stages of their invincible era of brain development and life, so this was a challenge.
Did we look over the edge? Yes. Did I hold their hands and watch them like a hawk to make sure they didn't add another statistic to the roster? Yes.
Another time Brian and I were horseback riding in the Appalachian Mountains. Convinced we were much more trained in riding than we actually were, the guide took us on a trail that was about 3 feet wide with one side plummeting thousands of feet down and the other side being a rock face. No guardrails. Yep. I know. I am honestly sweating just remembering this experience and guess what? I FELL! Yes. I fell off the horse when he tripped on a root and I tumbled forward, down this poor creature's neck and landed in front of him (as he was trying stand back up, not step on me and also not to fall down the cliff). To say God was with us that day is an understatement.
The truth is that there are so many dangers of falling in the world. Not only physical, though. Some falls are mental, emotional and/or spiritual. What do we do with the person who has fallen and lands at the bottom of a proverbial cliff? We help them of course. We work in emergency mode to repair, fix and adjust what is right in front of us, but the problem is that we get stuck there. We get stuck in high adrenaline, cortisol soaked action and begin to debate over what the next moves are. Then, when things are finally sufficiently bandaged, we just quietly wait for the next fall.
BUT, what happens if we expand the question from what should be do right now to include what can we do, or learn now, for the future?
We need to look up. We need to look up to see what we can do to stop them from falling in the first place. We are constantly being distracted by the mandatory reactive measures of the moment, but often ignore exploring the reasons why and the future proactive measures we can take. This is a pervasive problem in our culture and in our homes.
Let's look at this through the lens of parenting and leading a child. Some scenarios may look like:
• Your daughter comes in with an attitude and gets in trouble for the way she treats you. It is easy and understandable to only see what is facing you, but there is a pathway that led there. WHY is she treating you that way? Maybe you have become the safe place punching bag for her emotions that started somewhere else that need to be explored.
• Your daughter is staying locked up in her room and you try and force her out, get her to be social like you think she should be, but this causes a bigger wedge between the two of you and she digs her heels in and becomes more isolated than ever. WHY was she isolating in the first place? What causes her to want to be alone or maybe even think she had to be because she thought no one wanted to be with her?
• Your daughter is being promiscuous and you try and lock her up, change her clothes and limit her in one way and then another until she finds a way around every wall, but WHY does she feel like this is the only way to get attention and seek worth?
• Your daughter is failing classes and you throw tutors, guilt, shame or criticism her way, but never ask WHY she feels like she is falling behind, getting distracted or can't understand.
• Your daughter has a swing of behavior in a direction you actually appreciate. You are so excited about this tentative reprieve and don't want to jinx it, so you never ask WHY she changed direction and later find out it was all a mask to make you happy and put you at ease so she can do other things in the shadows of your peace. Explore why she changed.
There are infinite scenarios because every one of us and our daughters are different creations, but the core lesson remains the same... we need to look up from the bottom of the cliff, behind the result, the hurt and the behavior to see what led to this "fall" and move toward constructing a healthy boundary together. She herself may be so distracted with where she is now that she doesn't even realize where or how she fell or it may be so painful that she would rather stay where she is than revisit how she fell, but then there is no healing.
No one said that raising humans was going to be easy. Literally no one. We already talked about how parenting is harder today.
But, we need to remember it is not easy to be an adolescent today either and they are operating in their teenage gauntlet with an under construction brain and need your guidance, love, grace and joy more than ever!
The good news is that you and I awaken to new mercies every day (Lamentations 3:22-23) and we get to pass on this blessing as parents and leaders to our children.
As humans we have a track record of trying to solve symptoms and results instead of addressing causes even as a country and world. Wars, border control, women's rights, social injustices, school shootings, violence in our neighborhoods and communities, homelessness, cultural movements etc.
Whether it is in your home, in your community, your country, or in our world... the results and symptoms will always persist unless we, like any curious child when they are discovering the world for the very first time, ask this vital and ever so simple question, "Why?" and then build a solution together.
* If you find yourself at the bottom of a cliff right now, or you are curious about how to best grow and build with your daughter or the young women you mentor please reach out and set up a complimentary session so we can work together to find your next right step.
