Promoting Her Wellness Without Breaking Her Spirit
I will be the first to admit that I have not been great at this as a person in my own personal wellness journey or (gulp confession) even as a parent with my own kids sometimes. Ironically, I help those not as close to me whom I mentor and guide in life best. Why is that the case sometimes? That is honestly an easy question to answer… because we have less emotions intertwined with our guidance for those not in our inner circle. (PS- This is why mentoring, coaching, counseling and therapy can be so useful and your role in an adolescent’s life, inside and outside of the primary “inner circle” home, is so essential).
Let’s be honest, a woman’s body size and shape has been an ever changing, forever unachievable, subjective scale of “worth” for centuries, millennia really. I remember reading about the adornments of Cleopatra in 60BC when I was a child through to the beauty industry boom of the 1950’s and even to today. In my Teen Bop, YM, Seventeen magazines and school hallways of the 80’s and 90’s “skinny” was the thing to be. Even as a gymnast who worked out every day, I was never going to be one of those itty-bitty’s. It took me a looooong time to know that was ok, but the idea didn’t leave without inflicting some deep wounds that left ugly scars behind.
My two closest friends in college both walked through anorexia and bulimia and my (now) husband and I fumbled through the hospitalizations, the inpatient treatment facilities, the trauma that led them there and the trauma from that season, the family therapies and more with both of them at different times. I felt so blessed to not be in their shoes and to be able to help and support, but was I all that different? I felt like I was one decision away from being right there with them. But, thankfully, I did always stay that one decision away, maybe because of what I saw them going through and the work we did together.
Going into biology and psychology, and later family health and wellness, I had new insight into this struggle and how to help myself and others. I have not been perfect on any front, but there are some big things I have learned along the way.
First thing to understand is that there is a genetic predisposition to how our bodies metabolize and store the big macro guns of fats, carbs and proteins and we are NOT all the same. Not hardly and that is OK, good even. But just because there is a PRE-disposition doesn’t mean there is a set-in-stone result. I would hear, “My parents and grandparents all have diabetes, so I am for sure going to get it” quite often.
No! You don’t have to have that outcome!
Earlier in my career I would often hear, “genetics load the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger”. This is so true and we live this today when 4/6 people in our home has a genetic heart condition, but are (gratefully) asymptomatic right now. Each of us has a big say in how this story is going to play out and we choose it several times a day with what we drink, eat, do, how we manage emotions, rest, sleep, fill our spirits, serve others and who and what we surround ourselves with.
Before I dive into the 5 most important elements to understand when it comes to helping young women see their bodies in a healthy, whole wellness kind of way, we have to address Covid. Yup, Covid! Doesn’t it feel like everything today has a “but Covid” or a “then Covid” attached to its story? It’s true and this is no different.
Covid altered everyone’s personal wellness. Of all of us that saw those days through completion, some improved their wellness lifestyle, explored new foods, new ways of movement and finding joy and peace outside and some had more challenging or negative side effects for one reason or another. Most adolescents were ushered into a sedentary lifestyle inside while they plugged away at a confused schooling system, new leadership and enforcement hierarchy and a mental and emotional solitary place during some of the most socially dependent years of their brain development. That is tough and has led to, among so many other challenges, another layer of wellness trails for parents and adolescent leaders to correct and direct today.
OK, we know it already was tough and Covid made it tougher, but what CAN we do?
- Watch Your Language (Ephesians 4:29)
You want to stay away from harmful words like “skinny”, “fat”, “obese” and use words that move her toward a better place like “healthy”, “well” and “fit”. I have known and seen many people that are “skinny”, but very unhealthy for one or more reasons. You can talk about the future and how choices today will affect her future through stories of people you know, shows or book characters. Be open and vulnerable about your own personal stories too. This can go a long way in helping her understand the world’s contorted view of wellness and what true wellness and beauty is from the inside out.
- Wellness is Not a Destination, But a Lifestyle (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
“Once I get _____, then I will be _____”. It is better to break it to her early that there is no final destination to wellness. A healthy lifestyle is just that… a life-style that needs to be maintained and trained daily just like any sport, gift or anything you steward!
- Do it With Them (Galatians 6:2)
This is one of the most effective methods to bring wellness into your home and family. I knew a family with 5 kids that woke up every morning at 5am to pile into the van and go to the gym. Great for them!! But, I know that wouldn’t be sustainable for my family. Committing and following through with wellness intentions together can be very powerful, however. My husband committed to running with my oldest daughter a few years back and this year I have committed to 1000 crunches a day with one of our other daughters. Haven’t missed a day yet! Leading by example is an age ol’ concept because it works. They see you and know the way.
- Shop For What Serves Her Best (Proverbs 31:25)
There was a show a while back that had these professional dressers on there with people of all walks of life, shapes and sizes and they would show the guests what looks best on their specific body. It is easy to see something on a model or, even better, a disproportional mannequin and think it should also look great on you only to be sorely disappointed. Point out what is appropriate clothing vs. inappropriate and why. A great question to ask is, “What are you trying to tell people about yourself by wearing that, because everything we wear, say and do says to the world who we are.
- Always Make Sure She Knows She is Loved (1 Corinthians 13:6-7)
No matter what is going on she needs to know she has a safe place to go and be loved and cared for exactly as she is. That doesn’t mean enabling poor choices or agreeing that everything is ok. It means having the courageous conversations and making sure she knows you love her unconditionally. It is that love that leads the way in every conversation.
Parenting and leading the next generation is amazing in a million ways, but it is not easy and this certainly can be one of the stickiest parts when raising young women, especially in a 24/7 saturated comparison silo social media has provided for us. But this is not the time or place to give up or give in. She needs you to show her the way through the jungle of perspectives, perceptions and pressures out there and in her and safely find her way.
You’ve got this!
If you would like to dive further into this or any area with the girl(s) you lead and love please reach me at [email protected] to discuss further options.
