Why She Can’t Just “Have Confidence” and it Needs to Be Built
Even though the word “confidence” has roots all the way back to the 1300’s, when it meant trust and reliance on someone else, it shifted to more focus on self in the 1500’s. Then, in the last 60 or so years it has morphed again into a word emphasizing self-assurance, boldness and many times lack of compassion and grace with a big side of sass and stubbornness.
I love learning about the history of language. It gives me perspective on the initial intent behind something when the first person crafted its letters and symbols, sounds and flow into meaning then watched as it was woven into language. It is pretty poetic honestly. The closest I ever got to inventing a word/phrase was when I spontaneously started saying “monkey butts” when I was startled. Albeit better than some other things I could have blurted out, I wouldn’t call it poetic by any means.
When it comes to confidence though it can seem like it is the untouchable grand trophy that we all want to see our daughters and youth achieve and receive, but so many times it is given up on and why? Mostly because we, as the adult mentors, parents and life trainers, do not know HOW to teach them to become confident. We just want to give it to them, and I get it! It would be so much easier in every way (for us and momentarily them) if that were a true path toward confidence, but alas… it is not.
So how can we do this? I want to give you the Cliff’s Notes version today. (PS- you have to be a Gen Xer to know Cliff’s Notes)
Confidence is the last piece of a complicated, unique to every young woman, foundation that is built first by parents for her and then with her along with all those others who influence and impact her life. Now, the tricky part is that this foundation is built no matter what. Good, bad, ugly, barely hanging on or diamond level strong. It is built. So, what does this look like?
And then Confidence!
Even when the women’s movement first started in the US in July of 1848, there was a meeting in New York where 100 people (68 women and 32 men) signed a document called the “Declaration of Sentiments”. This document included 16 truths this group wished to be made known and public. The 16th sentiment was
“He (meaning men) has endeavored, in every way that he could to destroy her confidence in her own powers, to lessen her self-respect, and to make her willing to lead a dependent and abject life.”
This, along with the 15 others listed, all had to do this security at their core. The security to know they are worthy, have value and can get to a place that they believe in themselves to live out the purposes and passions God had set before them.
Worth is Given- It is innately given by God, but first shown through parents love and care as they introduce her to the one who loves her most during childhood and adolescence. This is supported through everyone that has a seat at the table in this young woman’s life whether that is extended family, teachers, coaches, youth leaders etc.
Esteem is Given and Given Out- Esteem is value and appreciation of self and is by far the biggest part of building for every young person. This is where thoughts that are given through so many different areas are then processed and given out to the world in the shape of behavior. God knows her complete being, but the world knows her by her words and actions.
Confidence is Given Out- This is built on knowing your security (even in insecure situations), knowing your worth and value and believing that when there is a task ahead you absolutely can overcome. It won’t always be a linear upward climb, but you can and will get there. If a growth mindset were to establish itself as something we could tangibly see in someone, this would be it. This is the “I can do it” mentality.
(Note: confidence has been camouflaged as the “This is the best I can do, so accept me right here because I am not changing” attitude we see so often today. This is not it! That is a fixed, restrictive mindset in every way)
Here is the truth about confidence… without a solid base of security, worth and esteem it is an inflated balloon fated to burst or shrivel and guaranteed to lose all capacity. Confidence must be substantially supported, and it is part of our job as those ushering them into adulthood to make sure this happens.
(To learn more about these and so many other topics that affect your daughter and young women you lead today visit www.nellieharden.com and for any questions or comments please reach out to [email protected] and I will be happy to help and guide you to what the next best step is for you and the story you are writing with her.)
