How to Talk To Your Kids About All Things Intimacy
This article is a community requested favorite. I have answered this question many times on an individual family level depending on the needs of the child, but I want to give some broad stroke resource tips here on how to approach and stand in this typically vulnerable topic with your kids and especially your daughters.
Every generation and every family within that generation is going to approach this a little differently. There is the blatantly out loud, tipping over into lewd, approach all the way to the hide everything, never speak about it and let the world teach them approach. I don’t think either of these are healthy or helpful and personally prefer a much more balanced plan AND it depends on your family and your individual child’s maturity, curiosity and experiences.
Even with all these variables, there are 5 common threads in any conversation related to sexual content that you may have with your child that I want to address.
- Be real and honest
Sex is literally a part of life as much as birth and death is. None of us would be here without it. There were only two people in creation that were born not of sexual beginnings and neither of them are walking this earth any longer. But isn’t it funny how these three topics can be so hard to breach? Why? Because they are all complicated and deeply personal.
I remember growing up that there were funny names for body parts in my home, usually said with humor or sarcasm, and then when I went to school there were crude words I heard also used with the humor or sarcasm. Either way it seemed obvious that these parts of me and the conversations about what these parts were capable of or intended for were a hidden in the dark, secretive, forbidden topic and we all know what human nature is like when it comes to forbidden things… especially our kids with immature, under construction, brains and lacking accountability check points.
Keep sex in the light! Be open and honest (age appropriately of course) about all things to do with body parts, mechanisms, medical issues, sexual content and yes… even the difficult and uncomfortable things that come up in life.
Call parts, processes and acts by their name, answer their questions and ask what other questions they may have. It is all a part of this beautiful body that God created our spirit to dwell in and be in connection with the holy spirit in
Sex and our human sexual nature intertwine the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual layers of our lives. It was designed to, and it is impossible not to. When the topic is touched on, we need to remember this and address all 4 aspects of impact.
- Be respectful
The language you use and how you talk about sex and sexual content will become their inner monologue later in life. Be respectful in your words, body language and tone.
It is always good to remember that whoever you are talking about, whether your child, someone else etc., is someone’s child, brother, sister, grandchild, future father or mother. Sex is a beautifully created act of submission and union between a husband and wife that needs to be respected and appreciated.
When, inevitably, a conversation must be had about something they heard at school, something that happened to a friend, a medical issue, something that happened to them, a thought or question they are having etc. it is important to be calm when you address it, pray for guidance beforehand if you can and be respectful in your words and deliverance even when the topic at hand is not necessarily respectful and always show mercy and love toward others.
- Be approachable
If you don’t teach them and talk to them about this then you are letting the world be her teacher in one of the most important areas of her life.
She needs to know that she can come to you in a vulnerable state and private setting and ask questions. One of the best ways to prepare for this is to have a normalized talking time. If you already have a regular time on the calendar that you talk one on one every week then it won’t be something she has to approach you about and ask to talk. This is often the biggest hurdle, but this way that opportunity is already presented to her. Normalize asking her how things are going and if she has any questions about anything, especially if there is a boyfriend in the picture or your daughter is in situations where sexual activity could be happening to her or around her at parties, school bathrooms, traveling anywhere, and even in shows and movies.
Another great way to be approachable is to gradually (again… age and maturity appropriate) tell your own stories about your life and the complications you faced in this area because we all have. Tough it feels that way, your child is not the only one. Every quirky, uncomfortable, scary and embarrassing thing that could happen has happened before and shining light on them when your child is not the main character in the story can be very helpful. Tip: you don’t have to be the main character either. Watching shows and discussing what is happening on there is valuable as well, just be discerning about the shows you are watching and the messages they are sending.
- Express how beautiful it is within the right boundaries
In the beginning God made man and woman and they had a beautiful and perfect union. They were to be fruitful and multiply in the garden…. But theeeennnn the fall happened.
I was listening to a message some years ago when the pastor talked about “keeping the fire in the fireplace” when referring to sex outside of marriage and I have loved this analogy since that day. In a fireplace a fire can be big, blazing and beautiful, but once a fire comes out of the fireplace it causes destruction. There is pain, regret, shame and hardships that many times leave scars that can last a lifetime.
There is great freedom within healthy boundaries.
Necessary sidenote: In our broken humanity there have been millions of broken people, trillions probably, over time who have used sex and sexual acts in a broken way for many broken reasons and thus created an alarming number of victims of sexual violence, assault, abuse, harassment etc.. Hurt people can hurt people. Broken people can break people. I see you. I hear you. I am you. This is a very personal road of healing and if this is a part of your or your child’s story please reach out for further individually applicable help in this area.
- Don’t be weird
The attitude you have toward sex and sexual content will inherently become a part of the intimacy story in your child’s future mind. The world plays its part in her influence no doubt, but you are her greatest architect until she is.
If you are weird and obviously anxious or uncomfortable with the subject, then they will be too. If you make light of it, they will too. If you hide from it, they will hide it from you too. If you flaunt it, chances are they will too. But, if you revere it as a beautiful act of submission, union and love between a married couple, you will give them the strongest chance at a stable and flourishing relationship in the future.
I do not kid myself that talking about sex and answering the many unending questions that come with today’s culture is easy, cookie cutter or anything to take lightly, which is why I typically do this on an individual level and not a mass statement. But… keeping these 5 guidelines in mind will give you a great foundation for any conversation in this arena.
What other questions do you have on this topic, or do you have other topics you would like me to dive into? Message me on Instagram, facebook or email and let me know!
