Is The Way You Love Her, Hurting Her?
If you are reading this, I think I can assume you are a parent or leader that truly cares about your daughter and the young women [and men] you are leading of the next generation. So, this article is not about the overt and dangerous ways people can hurt their children in the name of “loving” them. This is about the people like you and me that care and love these kids so much that in doing so we can easily end up enabling poor choices and holding them back from their growth through passivity and tender care. This can end up tearing down the foundation you have been trying to build instead of building it up.
Last night I was watching one of my favorite shows, Tracker, and one of the characters said, “Some people are raised, and some are forged. I think those people are more interesting”. I see this in my work every day. But there is a razor-sharp truth in this comment… some that are “forged” crumble and never recover, while some become warriors who carry deep wounds that often hold them back from a full life. So, although possibly more interesting, not a life goal. There is something to be said for strength forged through struggle, however. We see this in the biological world all the time, and it is true in the psychological world as well.
The truth is, if we enable and hold them back from the growth and strengthening they need for the next stage of life, they will end up as a grown girl and never pass into the maturity of being a woman who owns their life or has a chance at success. (the same is true for young men)
So, what can we do?
- Teach her to work with her hands- This includes chores, building things, landscaping, helping around the house etc.. She needs to know that when things need done, someone actually has to do them. It is shocking how many young adults do not recognize this.
A simple example is every time she brings a dish to the sink and leaves it there. In her under-construction brain there is a good chance the thought did not even pass by her consciousness that if I put this here I am taking for granted someone else will take care of my mess for me. This is where you come in. You don’t have to ridicule, shame, or embarrass her. You can simply ask, “if you are putting that in the sink, what needs to happen next and who are you expecting to do it?”. Action follows awareness.
I know! It is easy to just do it yourself. Sometimes that is because you don’t want the argument and sometimes you just want to show them how much you love them and let them relax. I catch myself doing this too and it isn’t bad to do every once in a while, but you don’t want it to be “the norm”. One day soon enough she will be in charge of her own living space and knowing she is capable, skilled and practiced will boost her confidence and grow her toward great success. Pretty powerful stuff for knowing how to unclog a toilet and doing it, right? But, think how helpless she would be in the middle of the night with an overflowing toilet in her new house or apartment and not knowing what to do or just expecting someone else to come rescue her. I have seen it happen friends. Not pretty.
*check out the 50 Things Your Daughter Needs to Know Before She Leaves Home download!
- Teach her conflict resolution- You hate to see her upset and hurting, but it is not your job to sweep in there and call the teacher, principal, boss or friend’s parent and “fix” everything for her. People skills are essential in life and learning how to deal with conflict is a part of it. She needs to learn self-discipline, resourcefulness, accountability, problem-solving, repentance and more. There are a thousand different situations she will get into in life and though she will not have an exact roadmap to make it through each one, the more practice and scenarios she navigates, the stronger she will be for the next one that arises. She needs to own her mistakes and conflicts and learn to ask for help when needed.
- Teach her time management- With more distractions always coming our way in the world, time management is an essential life skill. She needs to know everything that needs to get done and come up with a plan to do it. “Responsibilities Before Recreation” is a common saying in our home. Each of my girls have a list to accomplish every day and plenty of time to do it. Sometimes, the couch looks really comfy after a day at school or sports practice and the tv is begging to be turned on. Having a snack, chilling and taking a break is absolutely healthy, but the thing about couches is that as soon as she sits down the cushions swallow productivity, time and attention. Or is that just my couch? Time management is going to be a must in every area of her life from jobs to homes, to volunteering, to raising her own kids. Best to practice now and a great way to do this is to have her write out her own plan and share that with you.
You don’t want her leaving home without learning life skills, accountability, ownership and time management and it is easier for her future self for you to teach her now when you can lay those vital if/then tracks in her developing brain. You can love her well, give her grace AND help her grow. The Lord provides water, sunshine and nutrients for the sapling, but also the storms and fires that will fortify her.
It is easy to swoop in and save the day in the name of loving her and taking burdens off her plate and yours, but without those burdens how will she grow strong?
We all need to be forged a little.
