Let Her or Lead Her?
“When do I step in and help?”.
This is a very common question for any parent or leader of youth. It is so hard to sit on the side lines of someone’s life that you care for and have sacrificed for and NOT help when you see a struggle, but should you? Maybe aaaannnnd… maybe not.
Any parent who has been to a sports event their child is participating in knows exactly how this feels. They have been to practice for months, maybe years, been led and taught and then when the time comes to do it on their own the shot didn’t go in, they fell off the beam, they went that way when they should have gone that way, they were out of bounds etc. Life, let’s face it, is a much bigger playing court and there are so many more opportunities to get “out of bounds” or “miss the shot”.
There is one overarching spectrum when it comes to parenting and leading your children. In our home it is manufactured in love and grounded in a deep gratitude and obedience to Christ. At one end of this spectrum, you will find the label “lead them” and at the opposite end, “Let them”.
Of course, the early years, when they are just figuring out this adventure of life, you are leading the way in the vast majority of areas from what to wear, read, eat, how to be a friend, treat others, tie shoes, do responsibilities and a million other things.
Over time, she will begin to move down the spectrum and like any spectrum, the exact point is never clear cut, completely defined or even rational sometimes. It is a blurred “somewhere around here-ish” point… especially when you get into middle and high school when their maturity levels are all over the place.
I was just talking with a friend who also has a 17-year-old, and her son is starting the college process and doing most of everything on his own. “As he should be at 17” she says. But then I run into some other parents that are doing 100% of everything on their own and the child isn’t involved at all. “Let her be a kid while she can” that parent pleads.
There is no cookie cutter strategy, and every child and parent/child relationship will require something different than the one next to it, but we all need to remember that we are raising young adults and not children. The goal is to get them to a place that they are responsible, capable, God-honoring, and equipped young women and men.
But how do we know when to step in and lead and when to let them do life on their own?
I want to give you 3 questions to ask yourself when weighing the scale of “Do I / Don’t I”:
- Is what she is doing going to build her stronger for her future (ex. learning how to write the college essays, manage time, manage relationships, set priorities, and problem solve etc.) or is it going to create a weaker version of herself (ex. laziness, idolizing unhealthy habits, following an unhealthy crowd or relationship and having little to no boundaries etc.)?
- Does she have a false belief system that needs redirected? This could be in the area of faith, false doctrine, what a healthy friendship or relationship should/could look like and what to expect from them, how to respond to and respect authority etc. A false belief system can set her on a long path in the wrong direction and the further she goes, the longer and harder the healing time will be to come back from it.
- Is she in danger? This is a simple one. Is her physical, mental, emotional or spiritual life in danger?
These are the top three questions to explore and investigate when you are trying to determine if and how much to step in and lead or just let her find her way.
We have ~6570 precious (and yes, many times hard) days of this parenthood/childhood dynamic that is unlike any other time we will get with them in their life. It is a playing time, a joy time and an intense training time. (There is still a secondary training period that can go up to approximately 9125 days (25 years) and beyond as needed, but it is a different kind of navigation and accountability season.)
Keep these 3 questions in your back pocket and you will always know when to let her and when to lead her.
