What She Needs First
A few summers ago, my family and I were hiking in the Appalachian mountains. It was fun, beautiful, serene even… except for my one daughter who really didn’t want to be there and somehow was the only one to acquire legit stinging nettle wounds that only reinforced her anti-everything adolescent mindset of the afternoon. After stopping for a bite to eat and catching our breathe from a steep, off trail, climb my husband challenged us to, we got underway again.
With dogs running zig zag patterns through woods that seemed to welcome and envelope our family crew, we tried to find some semblance of a trail again and then… we heard it.
A slow-motion realization hit each of us in a domino effect of quieting voices, slowing steps, perked ears and bulging eyes. When we all seemed to arrive on the same mental page one of us was brave enough to say the words out loud. We were being followed by a bear.
We quickly leashed the dogs and collapsed the space between us until we were in a close-knit follow-the-leader formation and fervently looked for that trail! After what seemed like endless minutes of heart pounding synchronous steps, we saw a trail and “calmly” made our way out of the woods surprising the people camping nearby with our gasps of triumph.
We made it!
That was a crazy experience. But what it showed us, besides don’t leave food in the mountains (I know… rookie mistake), was how quickly a growth adventure can be minimized to a game of survival. There was no more exploring, singing, quality time, freedom or carefreeness. We were focused with intense intention to accomplish one thing… to get out of there. Why? Because we lost the security we thought we had.
Perceived security is one of the most earnest of human necessities your daughter (and really anyone) will have in their lifetime.
Yes, we only need food and water to physically survive, but assuming the character of anyone reading this, I would say you are looking for her to possess more than a mere working pulse. You want to see her thrive and truly live the life God has for her and to do that security needs to be in the picture.
We know that the brain does not function optimally when it is under a perceived stress. The amygdala takes over, leaving the pre-frontal cortex that is responsible for logic, deep thinking and decision making, in the dust.
Here is the thing about security though… that bear was there before we knew it and after we knew it. The ONLY thing that changed was our understanding of our security… our perception of it.
In Psychology Today, William Berry wrote, “One must come to grips with security being illusory, or at best only temporary. One can enjoy the sense of security, while at the same time keeping in mind that it is an illusion, that the world is chaotic, and that at any time that sense of security may be stripped away.”
In our world there is stress and insecurities all around, all the time and from every direction. The enemy loves to use this reality against us. Remember he comes to steal, kill and destroy and that is what consistent stress will do to a person and why we are seeing such high rates of mental illness today. People do not feel secure.
So, what can we do to help?
Here are a few simple ways you can help your daughters, and the youth at large, possess and recognize their security?
- Give her a safe space that she can ask questions and be heard and loved.
- Let her know that there are people that are there to protect her and she can trust. This list may be small and that is ok. It is more important that she know who that is than how many there are.
- Talk to her, whenever possible, about security threats that you see on the horizon before they shake her world (ie. “I want her to hear it from me first.”. But, when you do, reassure her that it will be ok and you are there for her. She can expect uncertainly and be grounded in security at the same time.
- Read scripture together. There is a plan, and she is a part of it even if she cannot see the whole thing right now. She was born for such a time as this. Let her see your habits that move you closer to Christ, our utmost protector, and talk about them so she can establish her own habits to bring her into closer relationships with Christ and learn how to own her own faith.
- Surround her with a community of people that have her back, and she can have theirs, especially as she gets closer to leaving home. It is important that she knows how to seek healthy communities on her own.
"Nothing in this world can take away the peace that you give in our hearts” Psalm 122:6–7
Give her the gift of knowing she already has security; it cannot be taken from her and how to seek more of it in a healthy, God-honoring way. This is the solid ground her foundation of worth, esteem and confidence is built on.
