Courageous Conversations that Lead to New Bridges
Courageous Conversations Lead to New Bridges
This is the picture I sent my oldest daughter in college one night this week when saying goodnight.
Do you ever feel this way?
Maybe a little numb and starring off into the distance because you feel like you pulled every heart string, used every neuron and exhausted every breath with prayer that day?
I know I do, especially in this season of my life where I have a constant pulse on the adolescent young women in my home and family, in my community and in the country and world. I have had so many courageous conversations lately and what I found interesting is that all these conversations, although wildly different in subject matter and hopeful outcome, followed the same basic structure.
A while back I recorded THIS video all about the 5 parts of a courageous conversation being
- Calm
- Curious
- Connect
- Cultivate
- Clarity
… but I want to dive a little further into a few of these “sections” to give you more insight for whatever courage is calling on you for in this season.
First, within the calm, you want to just listen. Truly listen. Ask them to explain what is going on from their perspective and just listen with an open, Holy Spirit led and softened heart. When you gain trust in being someone they can be honest with, doors can start getting unlocked and even begin to crack open. You do not want to bring assumption, speculation or insinuation into a conversation like this because you may be working from a different starting point than she is, and it is important you are both instep with one another as far as where you are in this conversation. (trust me, you will be so frustrated and more exhausted if you have a whole talk with them based on a wrong assumption).
Next, when you are being curious, you are asking a lot of questions, but then giving space for her response. During this time, avoid putting them in a box with "you are ________" statements. Use phrases like, “This behavior we are seeing (or these decisions you are making) are consistent with ________. Would you agree with that?”.
More powerful phrases and questions could look like,
“Can you tell me more about that?”
“It seems to me_______” or “What I am hearing is_________”
“Do you think that is true?”
“Is that fair to say _____________?”
We need to remember we only see the outside of her. There is a whole chaotic, under construction world of infinite thoughts, feelings and half made decisions inside her that you will never have a front seat for. That is only for her and God. We all have an internal world we live in and an external persona the world sees. This is why intentional listening, asking questions and gaining clarity are so so so important, especially with adolescents that have an insatiable need to feel seen and heard, loved, belong and have purpose.
Lastly, you need to understand that poor decisions are most often made for one of two reasons:
- to avoid something (ie. I was hurt and don’t want to face it, so I will numb with something else) or
- To gain something good in a not so good way. (ie. I want people to see me so I will be obnoxious so no one can avoid me)
Helping the young woman you lead discern which she is doing and what she is avoiding or trying to gain is priceless. In adolescent girls, I have personally found about a 30/70 split here with 30% avoiding something and 70% trying to gain something.
(which you could argue is 100% for gaining something because avoiding something is simply trying to gain peace from whatever they lost when they were hurt)
What I have repeatedly found in young women is the need (or attempted gain) for acceptance and security. Think about it… how many choices are made in the name of…
See me, hear me, want me, tell me I belong, tell me I matter, love me, know me, protect me…
These are all forms of acceptance and security and if we can help them connect the dots [not do it ourselves, because it won’t be nearly AS impactful as when they discover it on their own] and see that they are simply seeking these two very valid human needs, but in a way that is actually harming to them and the others around them, then they are more open to finding new pathways to achieve the same result.
The other biggest reason for less-than-optimal choices, avoiding something, happens because they are not ready or equipped to process something. They are replacing one difficult situation with another, sometimes worse, situation and through asking questions you can better help her see that and begin the healing process and new pathways forward.
Creating new habits means creating new neural pathways. It will not be easy and make sure she knows you understand that and will be there with her through the transition. It means purposefully taking up the shovel to dig a new trench between the you right now and where you want to be AND not falling into the ever so deep trench, the habit, you have already built. Over time that old one will fill in and grow over, but for now it is there and a tripping hazard. Do what you can to help her avoid the hazard.
Security is where the foundation of worth, esteem and confidence even begins. Without it, it is all she can focus on.
These courageous conversations are not easy, and you can end up staring into space at the end of the day exhausted, but it is your job as an architect and builder of the beginning of her life to go down the rabbit hold and do the hard things for her and with her.
You’ve got this and if you want help preparing for this season or you are in this season, please connect here and I would love to help your family build forward.
