Accountability & Grace- Both Are Essential When Parenting Teens

There is no denying that when you are raising, or in any way leading, teens and preteens that there are some head scratching, jaw dropping, "what in the world" moments where they will do and say things that test your love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control in BIG ways.

What do we do? Blind rage fit? Laugh it off? Hide all evidence? Enable their unhealthy choices for fear of not being their "friend”, rocking the artificial facade of peace or offending them?  No, certainly not.  In fact, that is a strong list of what not to do.

There are, however, two things that need to come into play and you cannot practice one without the other.  This recipe of parenting success calls for both.

Accountability -the state of being answerable for one's actions and willingness to accept responsibility and consequences.

Grace -the act of accepting someone unconditionally and voluntarily, even if they don't deserve it. It's an act of compassion that involves looking at the other person with sympathy and concern.

How to these two come together into the perfect marinade for growth and maturity?  Here are some examples…

• She made a poor choice in her words and needs to go and sincerely apologize, but you understand the why behind her actions and show her grace and understanding while you begin to dissect and work on the core issue.

• She cheated on a school assignment and needs to walk through the natural consequences of that choice at school and home but can depend on you to treat her with the respect and safe space she is seeking while you dissect and work on the core issue of why she cheated.

• She broke something and needs to pay for its repair or replacement, but you understand that it is hard and probably a bit embarrassing and give her a safe place to show her disappointment without being mocked or ridiculed.

• She repeatedly defies your boundaries and has natural consequences for this (remember that good consequences move her toward the desired outcome, not just punish), but you can give her grace and understanding in her disappointment of that consequence.

You want to keep the lines of communication open, even during the hard times… especially during the hard times.  The enemies of communication often look like sarcasm, mocking, interrupting, avoiding, dismissing or ignoring.  These, like most enemies, break trust and when trust is broken, mentorship and guidance are near impossible. 

In the picture above you see a young woman looking in the mirror.  This is a clear reflection (pun intended) of this dual role accountability and grace.  You want her to hold and embrace the accountability, while what is reflected back to her is grace, forgiveness, growth and moving forward after a bump in the road. 

Life will always be filled with mistakes, sins, and potholes that we stumble into, but if she can learn to accept and execute true accountability AND have grace for herself to move forward, she will be set up for great success.  This practice begins in the home and can be exercised by every leader and person of influence in her life.

When accountability and grace come together it can produce some of the most real, raw and precious of moments in life.  Galatians 1:6 says, “Believers should gently restore those who are caught in sin”.  This looks like helping them learn to be accountable and having grace as they walk through the trial of restoration and redemption.